User talk:Sp1023

From Hunter College High School Wiki

Time for some good ol' Hunterite criticisms to your little poem thing.

FEAR FOR THY LIFE I WILL BRING STRIFE CONQUER THIS WORLD MAKE IT TWISTED AND TWIRLED Clichéd first line. "Bring strife" seems to be an awkward phrase. What do you mean by "this world"? There's only one world. Our world. "Twirled" is a word with all the wrong connotations that you need here. You are looking for a demented word, one that conveys twisted, dark feelings. "Twirled" conveys feelings of elegant pirouettes and graceful curves.

DESTRUCTION AND DEVASTATION ITS TIME FOR THE PREPARATION YOU WILL BE THE FIRST TO FALL IN THIS MESSY BRAWL Devastation and preparation don't rhyme, but that's a paltry error compared to the unfitting role of the word "preparation". "It's time for the preparation"? What preparation? What are you preparing for, the "conquering"? But then you say that the reader will be the first to fall. Well then, why do we have to prepare?

EARTH WILL SUCCUMB AND WHEN YOU HEAR MY ARMY'S DRUM YOU WILL UNDERSTAND WHAT IT MEANS TO COMMAND. I will understand what it means to command... when I hear your army's drum? How do I command when you come? And if we will succumb so easily, why will it be a "messy brawl"?

All in all, an interesting, rhythmic, rhyming poem with a clear theme. Develop this theme clearer next time with better word choice. 75/100